My Journey to Truth: The Beginning

November 4, 2008 at 5:49 am (Elle)

Originally written and posted  6/23/08

So I started this blog over one year ago. Originally, my intentions were to learn the ins and outs of the world of blogging so that I might develop a blog/website on behalf of an organization in which I had taken on a leadership role. Along with my participation in that particular organization, I had given  up on this blog until today….June 23, 2008. Now, I believe this blog may be an essential tool to help me reclaim my sanity.

To make a long story short (for right now, at least) there are things that I am dying to say, but I don’t know who I could tell. There are truths about myself that I am ready to admit, but I don’t know how I would cope knowing that what was supposed to set me free, brought me shame instead. I just can not keep hiding anymore. The fact of the matter is that I am not hiding at all. Whether or not I choose to acknowledge Him or not, God knows everything that I am and everything that I am not. He knows that when the opening prayer that I am asked to deliver in front of the congregation is the first prayer that I have uttered in weeks. He knows that when I raise my hand in response to the question, “Do you love Jesus?” it is not because I am convinced that I am in love with this man from Galilee, but I am more concerned with hiding the fact that I don’t know Christ as well as I should from those around me instead. He knows that I come to church, week after week, sometimes as a social outlet. Other days, just to fill a seat in the pew. And more often than not because when I am not there, people notice and ask questions that reveal the true nature of my relationship with Christ. God already knows what I am and I am not. It is I, however, who has grown so accustomed to the pristine veneer of my facade that I have forgotten that God never cared about what those around me perceived of me. He never asked me to be anything other than myself. He cherishes honesty. He cherishes my honesty. So, I find myself on this blog with one goal: to be honest.

As a “lifelong” Christian, it is hard to get what I need from the church and its members, as long as I am living a lie. The nourishment and direction that I long for just seems out of my reach. Now, I feel as if God, Himself, is out of my reach. So here I am, in church week to week, yet feeling as if I am just as lost as those in the “world.” Sometimes I wonder if I am destined to Hell. Has probation for me ended? Am I just a “dead man walking”? If there are no changes made in my life, I will surely die. I will die spiritually and eventually physically. I am dying. I am dying right now as I type. The world around me grows constantly dimmer and I am finding it harder and harder to grab life by the reigns. I, who was once full of potential and promise, keep falling short of everything that I might have been called to be. I am dying. But I want to live.

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